


For death and mourning the color's...

by NvrLndBoi



Series: SH 25 Days of Pairings [14]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Canon, Canonical Character Death, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Please mind tags, Raphael Is Dead, Sad Ending, This fic follows book canon, Winter fic, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:35:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28062504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NvrLndBoi/pseuds/NvrLndBoi
Summary: Day 14 of 25 Days of Pairings: Saphael (ANGST)Simon visits Raphael's grave.This is not fluff in any form.
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Series: SH 25 Days of Pairings [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035042
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	For death and mourning the color's...

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya!
> 
> If you follow me on Tumblr you know that this chapter will not be fluff or soft.
> 
> If you don't then please let this be your last warning I can offer, this is not a happy ending.
> 
> Not everyone enjoys fluff and I can respect that so this is my attempt at providing an angst fic within the 25 days.
> 
> No Beta. All mistakes are my own. Enjoy

Simon trudged through the snow. More snowflakes were falling, but the night’s embrace covered the innocent white in the darkness. Simon slipped his Steele back into his pocket after reaching his destination. No rune could help him withstand the pain of where he is. 

He kneeled on the icy ground and took out a small rosary along with a mix of lilies and carnations. Simon ran his gloved hand over the snow-covered gravestone and felt his heart tighten like it always would when he read the carved words. 

**_‘Raphael Ortiz Santiago_ **

**_Son. Leader. Family. Friend._ **

**_September 29th, 1937 - December 14th, 2007’_ **

Simon had been coming to visit Raphael since late January after his successful ascension that blessed ~~_cursed_~~ him with his memories back. He recalled trying to keep it together as all of the Shadow World’s memories, and the deal in Edom flew back into him. Simon had played with the coin Magnus had gifted him. Once his memories returned, he understood why Magnus had given the coin to him. It had been Raphael’s.

A harsh wind threatened to tear the items from his hands. Even with the alcohol warming his body, Simon could still feel the biting cold. He started his practiced routine unconsciously, taking the old flowers from last week and placing the new ones. Simon would put the new rosary and take the old one from one of the small crosses that ordained the grave’s sides. Once done, Simon would lean back and stare at his work. It was second nature for Simon to end a Sunday’s hunt with a few drinks and a visit to Raphael after almost a year. 

“Hey Raph,” Simon started, only to pause again as his throat began to tighten. “I hope you like the flowers I brought this time. Shadowhunters have greenhouses; who knew. I mean, you probably did and most likely tried to tell me at some point.” 

He bit his lip and tried to keep himself in check. After all this time, his visits still pushed him to tears. 

“I ran into Lily tonight. She took over the New York Clan officially now. I mean, everyone knew she was in charge before, but now it is official. The Clan celebrated by throwing a huge party in the hotel,” Simon stopped again and wiped his eyes against his sleeve. “They invited me, but I still can’t go in there. I can’t go back there and not see you.” 

Simon had tried the first time he returned to New York, but the closest he could get without the memories stealing his mobility was standing on the roof across from the hotel during his patrols. Simon would always volunteer to patrol the Dumort’s area when the Institute would post the shifts. Lily and Elliot had tried to invite him in once when they had seen him, but Simon could never will himself to cross the street and up those steps. 

“I really wanted you to be wrong, you know,” Simon confessed as tears burrowed into the snow below him. “You always preached that Shadowhunters would always choose their own kind over everyone else, and I don’t know if it was my anger at the time for being hurled into an unknown world or my naiveness, but I really wanted you to be wrong. I wanted Shadowhunters to be like the selfless heroes in my comic books.” 

After the ascension, Simon had realized how skewed the history taught in the Shadowhunter Academy was. He recalled bits of Raphael’s vampire history lessons and filled the parts that the academy had decided to leave out. They wrote off years and lives from their textbooks because it would’ve disillusioned the future generations of Shadowhunters. Simon had learned then that the Clave was more concerned with their image than the repeat of history. 

“I still think I have a chance of winning, though,” Simon smiled softly as he rubbed his eye clear again. “The new generation of Shadowhunters aren’t as close-minded as the previous generation. I can see you rolling your eyes already but trust me. Alec is whipping them into shape. Magnus says that Alec is different from other Shadowhunters. They’re still not married, but they finally settled Max in, I think.” 

Simon could hear the low hum caused by a portal behind him. He knew his time was almost up. Simon rubbed his hand softly over the top of the gravestone, rubbing some of the fresh snow away. 

“I keep thinking about what could’ve been; maybe if I had tried to understand you better, we would be having a different conversation under better circumstances,” Simon pushed through as his eyes clouded again. “I’m sorry, Raphael, I threw the kindness, safety, security, and family you offered me back at you like an ungrateful child.” 

Simon felt a hand curl on top of his white Shadowhunter gear. He looked behind him and caught the sympathetic gaze of Magnus. Simon, if allowed, would stay out here talking to Raphael for hours. He had a few times the first weeks Simon had visited. He remembered the groundskeeper’s lawnmower serving as his alarm every time. 

“Who was it this time?” Simon asked as he stood up, wiping the snow off himself. He knew it would be either Jace or Isabelle who ratted him out this time. They would notice he wouldn’t come back from patrols and immediately call Magnus. 

“Alec noticed your bow was still missing from the armory,” Magnus responded and pulled a thick coat tightly around Simon. “It’s time to go home, Simon. You can come again later.” 

“Bye, Raph, see you next week.” Simon somberly smiled and turned to where the portal was still open. He was thankful that Magnus never tried to push him to talk right after a visit. 

Magnus stepped in the portal before him, and Simon looked back one more time where the snow had now started to cover the new flowers. He smiled and followed Magnus to the Institute, waiting on the other side. 

_How can I go home when you aren’t waiting there?_

**Author's Note:**

> Credits:
> 
> Don't miss the chance to sign up for the [Shadowhunters Rare Pair Exchange](https://sh-rare-pair-exchange.tumblr.com/). Sign up ends on Dec 19th!
> 
> 11 pairings left and 11 days left. If you have a prompt you want me to attempt in January drop me an [Ask](https://antisocial-af.tumblr.com/ask).
> 
> See you again tomorrow.


End file.
